living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
