Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Randomize
