um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Never let your siblings swipe right.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
