I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
