You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
