I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
