I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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