I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
