It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
