at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
He passed out mid-signature
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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