We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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