I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Randomize
