Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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