I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
