You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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