so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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