Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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