Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
