I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
