I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
