Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
