he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
