I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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