I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
