I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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