the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
