She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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