Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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