I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
