if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
