My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
