So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Randomize
