idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
