Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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