Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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