I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
