too bad you live with your parents still
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
