if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
