is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
