im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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