i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
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