FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
