4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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