she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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