o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
