bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
