I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Randomize
