I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
