I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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