so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
