Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
