Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
