Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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